The Other Side of the Badge
It is not easy to relay feelings as a firefighter. Our whole career we have been told to suck it up and leave work at work. This is complete shit! There is no way we can leave all the death and destruction we see behind when we take our uniforms off. Its not some magical cloak that we can don and doff at leisure. We carry those images with us everywhere we go and see faces of our patients on people we pass every day. I am big on traditions, but this is one that needs to go. It is killing us and ruining our marriages.
The divorce rate in first responders is astronomical and we hide behind the old traditions. If you have been divorced two or more times, it may be time to look internally for a reason. Adultery is said to be the leading reason for divorce among first responders but is that the problem or the symptom? Let’s look a little deeper into the why. It may be simpler than we think.
Communication
Communication is something we should excel in, but we suck at it in a marriage. Why? We are protectors by nature and this protective instinct causes us to attempt to shield our spouses from what we see. We are attempting to guard them from the world we live in, but is it healthy? NO, it is not. I married my wife to be my support, my rock, and my confidant. I did not get married to live isolated in my own thoughts and stonewall her from me. That’s what we are doing when we refuse to share our second lives with them. Yes, we live two lives; the family person and the first responder. When you do not share one of your lives with your spouse you run the risk of losing them. They married all of you not just half of you.
Your spouse deserves to know why you are being distant, standoffish, or just tired. Be open and honest about your shift. If you ran a bad call, just tell them. They will understand and appreciate you telling them. How many times does your spouse ask how your shift was and we respond “it was ok” knowing that it was far from “ok”? We just push it down and hide it. If you think you are a good hider, you’re wrong. It manifests itself in many ways that you yourself can’t see. Being moody, quick to anger, lashing out for no good reason, or disengaging from people are just a few things that our spouses see when our bag is getting too full to push the trash down. You may feel that you are doing a great job at hiding everything, but I can assure you, you’re not!
It is fairly simple, just tell them when you have had a bad shift or call. Be honest and open about bad things that you see. I am not saying share every little detail but give enough information that they understand why you are acting the way you are. When we stonewall our spouses and don’t share our second life, they feel they are doing something wrong and there is trouble in your marriage. The marriage fails only when one or both people decide to stop communicating. There is nothing worse than allowing your spouses mind to wander. It never stops on good things. It leads to mistrust, thoughts of infidelity, and self-doubt. Stop the wandering mind by being open and honest about the things you see.
Things You Can Do
Pre-planning is a great way to help with communicating and stress relief. Have a discussion with your spouse and come up with some activities that you like to do after a bad call to decompress. It can be a long shower, reading a book in silence, going for a motorcycle ride, or just taking a nap. Whatever you feel releases the stress. When you come in from that bad call or start to show signs of being stressed your spouse will know ways to help you release that stress. Communicate when you are feeling stressed and need to use these coping skills. You can also find things that you both enjoy doing together to relieve stress. If you need time to yourself that’s fine, just relay that to your spouse. When you have finished your activity, always come home and have a conversation about why you were stressed. Never leave your spouse in the dark about why you needed to relieve the stress. When you remove doubt, you strengthen relationships.