Relationship on the Rocks?
Whether you’re a first responder or in a relationship with one, if your relationship is on rocky ground keep reading to learn how to solidify the foundation.
In case you didn’t know I am not only a Licensed Professional Counselor, but I am also a fire wife. My husband has 23 years of experience so far and we have been married for 14 of those years. It hasn’t always been easy, and I know relationship issues are a big hurdle for a lot of first responder families. Here are some tips to increase your understanding of healthy relationships and communication. If you can get your partner to take some of the quizzes below that would be very helpful, but if not, you can still learn a lot about yourself and how you function in your relationship.
Look at the past to understand the present. What sort of relationships were you exposed to growing up and what did you learn from them? How did each partner interact with one another? These patterns shaped your understanding of relationships and what they should or shouldn’t be. What patterns are you continuing in your relationship? Ask your partner the same questions. What patterns or lessons are they bringing to the relationship?
Identify the “Do”s instead of the “Don’t”s. A lot of couples say, “Well I don’t want to be like my parents, or my ex, or my (fill in the blank).” That doesn’t give your brain any concrete direction to move in. What DO you want to bring to the relationship? How DO you want to treat one another? How DO you want to communicate? Explore your mutual goals.
Have each of you pick a couple you look up to or admire. What do you like about how that couple responds to one another? Pick specific characteristics and communicate those with your partner. This helps clarify what each of you values in the relationship and gives you a good place to start working on things together.
As mentioned in a previous post, first responders tend to have some sort of trauma in their past. This can lead to some unhealthy traits when it comes to relationships and connecting with others. I have found the How We Love quiz to be helpful when attempting to identify these unhealthy patterns. If you would like to take the quiz click here. If you don’t want to put in your email address you can also read through the different styles and see what you find. Once you identify you and your partner’s style you can learn about common relationship patterns here.
Learn your Love Language and your partner's Love Language because I’m willing to bet they are different. Learning to speak YOUR PARTNER’S Love Language is important if you want them to feel loved. Click here to take the quiz and learn more about how you give and receive love.
Learn about communication pitfalls and antidotes. This is probably THE BIGGEST issue I come across with first responder couples. I always recommend that couples with significant communication issues go to couples therapy so they can have a referee present during conversations to help flag and correct any unhealthy patterns. A good place to start is with Gottman’s Four Horsemen and their Antidotes here.
All of these different tips and communication styles need to be practiced repeatedly until they become habits. Figure out what works for you and your partner and what doesn’t. Make your relationship your own and be sure to feed it in order for it to grow in a healthy direction.
